


The Gods Must Be Horny

by Freethewillies



Category: Celtic Mythology, Irish Mythology, Welsh Mythology
Genre: Bisexual, Comedy, Coming of Age, F/M, Gay, Goddesses, Gods, Humor, M/M, Mythology - Freeform, Sexual exploration, big tits, experiementation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:09:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28460685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freethewillies/pseuds/Freethewillies
Summary: It's a time of Gods and Heroes, and Edan is neither. But when a love goddess determines that his dick is the perfect fit for her favorite mortal man's ass, he must journey to save the fair lad from a life of servitude in a gods porn studio. It's a journey of comedic sexual discovery like no other.





	1. The Red Ass in the Forrest

Edan tightened the knot on his cloak one last time before entering the woods, otherwise, he was likely to lose it to the many thistles he would encounter on his journey. Stupid Fiona, he thought, she has to like the berries you can only find deep in the forest. Still, the devoted older brother set out to make the best of his sister’s wish and made the first steps into the Forest of Aine. At least I’ll impress Grania.  
Ah yes, the lovely Grania, the fairest maiden in the village. Or at least Edan thought so; to be honest there wasn’t much to separate her from the others. She had red hair, just like the rest of the village, but somehow her hair seemed redder. She had pale skin, just like the rest of the village, but somehow hers seemed paler. She had huge breasts, just like the– well maybe that was what set her apart.  
Grania’s breasts were marvels of flesh and fat. They bounced happily, hidden unfairly by her tunic, when she took her morning walk through the village. And of course she met every young man on her way who so happened to time their morning routine to perfectly intersect hers, hoping to one day see the marvels bare. Gilroy, the son of the villages foremost warrior, claimed to have seen them once while watching Grania wash in the river, but the boys mostly regarded the assertion as myth. Surely the beautiful Grania would not be so foolish as to waste the first glimpse of her nudity on such unworthy eyes?  
And yet, Edan still liked to imagine that it did happen, except he were in the place of Gilroy. His gaze as she lathered her breast, squeezing and groping to properly cover its massive surface area. His leer as she splashed and played in the water. His stare as she–  
Where am I?  
Edan was not only lost in thought, but also lost in life. Surely, he hadn’t left the path and yet this area seemed so unfamiliar. He removed his hand from cupping his still engorged penis and pulled out the traveling map his father had left him. Perhaps he had taken the left fork back along the path? But then he would have already made it out of the forest. It didn’t make sense.  
Edan sat down, unsure of which direction to go, and still somewhat distracted by the lingering idea of Grania’s breasts. I might as well clear my head while I have the privacy. He pulled his pants down to the bottom of his buttocks and reached beneath his tunic. He fiddled with his penis and balls noncommittally until his dick became rigid enough to lift front of his tunic like a tent pole. He admired this arrangement and imagined Grania stumbling upon him like this. ‘Oh Edan,’ she’d say, ‘it sticks out so far! You’re so much bigger than Gilroy, not that I would know’. Edan squeezed his shaft slowly, using the other hand to tug his hair, like he imagined Grania might when his face was planted firmly in her bosom. He imagined licking between the two masses as his hand built momentum, intensifying the maddeningly pleasurable sensation mounting in his penis. He breathing became as rapid as his hand, building, building, building until–  
“NEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHH”  
The shrill nose scared Edan just from the edge of orgasm, he leapt from his seat and hit his head on a nearby tree. He collapsed onto his back at the hooves of the beast who had belted the noise, a red mare. From his position in the dirt, the mare seemed gigantic, its long face looming over his. Its fur was a deep auburn, not unlike the hair on his own head, though the mare had flecks of white scattered along its back.  
After its outburst, the mare stood solemnly above Edan, silent as a reed without wind. Edan lay equally still, his erection completely reduced, not wanting to spook the animal. Slowly, he lifted himself from the ground and backed away behind the tree, though the mare simply watched with what seemed to be curiosity.  
Perhaps this horse has an owner, it seems tame enough, Edan thought, and if so it can take me back to its owner who will know how to get back to my village.  
Edan had never met anyone outside of his village, so the prospect of meeting someone new excited him. They could even be a woman, with breasts to rival Grania’s.  
“Can you take me to your master?” Edan asked, not knowing why he thought the horse would understand him. But the horse did seem to understand him, for it turned and began to walk away from Edan. He quickly fasted his cloak once more, rubbed the bump on his head, and followed the beast.  
It trotted briskly still following the path Edan was unable to locate on the map. At times, Edan struggled to keep up, and at others the horse seemed to move to slowly for Edan’s anticipation. Finally, the mare stopped at the apex of a clearing, turned around and stared at him as if to convey some significance to the place.  
“So this is our stop?” Edan said, still unsure if the mare had understood him before. “Thank you for showing me the way.” The mare gave another of those looks which seemed too intentional for an animal and walked off of the path. He watched it disappear behind the trees and listened to the last echoes of its step.  
Finally, he entered the clearing. It was the most beautiful place he had ever seen, which to be fair was a limited comparison. Still, Edan was sure that were he to travel the world, this would still be the most stunning spot he would see.  
The sun radiated down into the clearing to dazzling effect, as if frustrated that it couldn’t penetrate the forest and thus concentrated its rays on this one opening. The light shimmered on a large pond, which lay in the center of the clearing, like a blue iris in the eye of the forest. Small boulders flanked the left edge of the pond, which deteriorated into a fine beach of pebbles to the right edge. All of this was oversaw by a large tree directly ahead of Edan which was a sizable amount taller and thicker than those which stood behind it.  
“Why hello!” The call startled him, though not as much as the mare had before. It came from a young man, stumbling his way through the boulders. His dressage was peculiar: beige shorts and a flimsy shirt with flaps like the wings of a small bird on the neck. The shirt itself contained a peculiarly impeccable checkered part and seemed to be split in half, but reassembled by smile shiny disks down the midline.  
“Hello! Was that your mare? I followed her here expecting to find her owner, but she sort of just walked off.”  
“So you followed ‘er too, eh?” The boy asked. As he drew closer, Edan could better distinguish his features. Clearly he was not from Edan’s village, as his hair was straw colored. He was an inch or too shorter than Edan, but quite a bit broader. Edan immediately felt some envy at his handsomeness, and couldn’t help but feel that this was the sort of man that could actually turn the head of Grania. His green eyes which matched the coolness of the water behind him. His upturned nose which added a levity to counterbalance the striking masculinity of his square jaw. Chicks dig that shit.  
“You mean she isn’t yours?” Edan questioned, still annoyed at the attractiveness of the stranger.  
“Nope,” he answered, “Followed ‘er in here, same as you.” He smiled at the coincidence. “Name’s Caolan, I’m from the village to the south.” He added to break Edan’s cautious pause. “I suppose we were just meant to meet. What brings you out here.”  
“I’m looking for some berries that my sister likes. Her birthday’s coming up and she’s been talking about them nonstop.”  
“Well that’s a mighty nice thing…er, what was yer name?”  
“Sorry, I’m Edan. I come from Bogach, it’s west from here.”  
“Bogach? I should’ve known with that hair. Is it true you all got that red hair?”  
“Yup. it’s probably all the inbreeding,” Edan said with a wry smile. Caolan belted out a laugh which Edan couldn’t help but smile at. He rarely made anyone laugh in his own village and had merely figured that he simply wasn’t funny. And yet here was this stranger laughing at the first thing he said.  
“Well,” Caolan responded, “I guess we know that red mare came from your neck of the woods, eh? Come on, sit down a bit. I don’t get to meet new people often.” Edan followed Caolan to the boulders from where he had originally called. There, Caolan had a sack full of berries and some roasted chicken laid out on the rocks. He handed Edan a piece of chicken, muttering something about neighborly behavior and plopped down on the bank with his bare feet in the water. Edan sat next to him, gnawing hungrily until the bone was clean.  
“You have quite the appetite, eh?” Caolan chuckled, and he handed him another piece. “It’s ok, I’ve had plenty.” Edan tossed the bone into the pond and grabbed the second piece of chicken.  
“I shouldn’t be eating so much,” Edan said, his worlds muffled by chicken meat. “I’m not going to get any girls if I keep this pace.” He grabbed his belly through his tunic and shook it jokingly. In truth, he was actually leaner than the other boys in his village, just somewhat doughy from a healthy diet. Yet with Gilroy strutting around shirtless, his abs popping like carvings on a trunk, it was hard not to be insecure of even a modest stomach.  
“Same here, but it doesn’t stop me.” Caolan smiled toothily and jiggled his own stomach.  
“From eating or getting girls?”  
“The former unfortunately.” Caolan laughed another one of those laughs that boosted Edan’s self esteem.  
“So you haven’t…uh?” Edan started this line of questioning unsure of where he wanted to go.  
“No not really. A girl kind played with it once but that’s...” He stared at the sky fondly as if remembering a glorious battle he had won. Edan felt a mix of relief, that even someone as handsome as Caolan hadn’t yet laid with a woman, “You?” He asked as he snapped back from his fantasy.  
“No, I haven’t,” Edan said as quickly as possible.  
“Really, I thought a fellow like yourself would’ve had all the girls.” He smiled again and looked back out at the pond. A fellow like myself, Edan thought, is he making fun of me. Before Edan could become too self conscious, Caolan stood up abruptly. “I kind of want to swim, do you mind?”  
“No not at all,” Edan said.  
Caolan grinned and lifted the weird shirt over his head, exposing his pale chest. His arms and upper torso were well defined and suggested an intimidating level of strength Edan had only seen in the warriors of his village. Beneath his muscular upper torso protruded a belly honest to his declared appetited, though obviously reduced by whatever kept the rest of his body so fit. But Edan was more interested in the tuft of red hair which rode just past his belly button. At least part of him could belong in my village, he mused.  
Caolan began to remove his shorts when he stopped and said “Could you-?” he gestured for Edan to turn around.  
“Oh! Sure.” He obliged the request and listed to the sound of pants falling down legs followed by a splashing. Edan turned back just in time to see his plump white butt submerge into the water.  
“Come on in, Edan! The waters great!” Edan felt a weird flutter when he heard him say his name, a weird sense of happiness that he had made a friend from this chance encounter. He made sure his companion’s eyes were shut tight before disrobing and running into the cold water. His testicles immediately soared into his body as the chills of the water first hit his waist, but then that feeling subsided just as soon and was replaced by a refreshing coolness which traveled through his body.  
The pair swam for about at first talking about food, girls and war. Eventually, they took to just exploring the pond silently, the quiet only broken by the sounds of Caolan trying to catch a frog to throw at Edan. Eventually, Caolan made a remark about the time and they moved to get out.  
Edan hung just behind Caolan as they exited the pond, torn between respecting his previous request for privacy and an idle curiosity to compare himself to his naked friend. He settled for a hurried look just as they hit the bank, but was only able to get another glimpse of his bum which sat nicely on his short legs. On closer inspection, Edan was able to see that it was speckled with freckles, a fact which he couldn’t help but smile at as he put his own clothes back on.  
“What are those?” Edan asked?  
“What?” He asked, blushing bright red. Edan realized his question had betrayed his wandering eye and felt a little ashamed.  
“Those things you have on your…er…”  
“Oh this?” Caoland said, indicating the white cloth that stretched around his waist and cradled his groin. “It’s underwear. You put it on under your pants.”  
Underwhere? “Why?”  
He shrugged. “Keeps the genie in the bottle I suppose.” Edan had no idea what a genie was, but at this point asking more questions would only make him look stupid. “Well it was nice meeting you,” Caolan smiled, extending an arm to shake. Edan grasped it, but frowned suddenly remembering that he would most likely never see his new friend again. Caolan seemed to be thinking the same thing because he added, “You know, this is a great spot. I think I might have to come back here.”  
“Yeah, I think I might too.” Edan answered the unspoken invitation. Caolan beamed one last time and turned and disappeared into the woods opposite where Edan entered. Edan left the clearing on his end and started on the path he assumed would take him home. Just before the clearing was out of sight, Edan heard the distinct neigh of the red mare in the distance.  



	2. Watching the Milk Bounce

“Get up, Edan! She’s almost here!”  
He awoke to Fechin’s face far too close to his. Fechin had been his best friend for 15 years ago, a friendship completely uninterrupted save for a brief period after an event they solely refer to as ‘the potato incident.” When they were younger, the pair was known in the village for their boyish rituals. On Mondays they only ate carrots. Tuesdays, they wore their tunics backwards. Wednesdays, they climbed old man McCormick’s tree.  
The other children would often imitate these rituals, so the boys often had to add elements to maintain their esoteric nature. Wednesday’s tree climb had to be done while chewing potato. The hole they dug on Fridays had to be spat in three times. And on Saturday’s they would hunt for frogs in the bog wearing only caps.  
That particular ritual gave Edan the only glimpse he had into what another guy looked like naked, and thus he used Fechin’s body as a benchmark against with to compare his own. Over time, he witnessed Fechin stretch increasingly longways without much horizontal growth, so that his torso and limbs almost seemed snakelike in adulthood.   
Also snake-like was his dick, which hung like a thin rope from his waist. The two often debated whether girls would better prefer his or Edan’s thicker but shorter penis, both defending their manhood with both oral arguments and thrown frogs.  
The ritual Fechin was waking Edan up for now was what they called “Watching the Milk Bounce”, which mainly involved greeting Grania as she walked past his house. Unlike their other rituals, the friends were not unique in this venture, as men young and old seemed to fall from the rooves as she passed. In this case, Fechin and Edan would literally be falling from the roof, a plan they figured was the only way to capture the attention if a woman so large breasted.   
As planned, Edan climbed onto the roof and pretended to be repairing it while Fechin stayed on the bottom, ready to heroically catch him. Both were shirtless as planned, which they figured would make them seem rugged.   
“Hoolaloolaloolaloo!” Fechin called from below, giving the signal that Grania was coming their way. Edan looked out onto the dirt road where he saw the lovely woman ambling towards them, her breasts bouncing happily beneath her tunic. Edan stared, mesmerized by how they jiggled with every bump. His dick tightened uncomfortably against his wool trouser, and as he pulled his shaft out from his pant leg he imagined it was her hand teasing him through the soft cloth.   
Ok, this is easy. Just got to jump off the roof. Three, two, On- ok start again, three, two, maybe this is a bad idea. No it’s a great idea. Best idea you’ve had. That’s not saying much. Just got to do it. Threetwoonego!  
Before his brain could further protest, Edan was plummeting from the roof into what should have been Fechin’s arms. Unfortunately, the very boobs they were trying to impress had distracted Fechin from the important task of breaking Edan’s fall.  
Dammit  
Later, Fechin would tell his grandchildren of the cacophonous crunch that came from Edan’s face when it hit the ground. “Like a bear falling on one thousand leaves, it was!” In reality, the sound wasn’t very loud, but we all exaggerate stories sometimes to feel important.  
The world swirled and all Edan could hear was Fechin’s idiotic “You ok buddy?” But then came another voice, a sweeter voice, a voice that would have restored his erection if his blood wasn’t otherwise occupied outside of his body.  
“Edan! Edan! Oh, please say something!”   
She knows my name! Quick, say something sexy.  
“Hey baby. How are-” He spit out a wad of blood and dirt “-you doing today?”  
“Oh you poor thing! Come with me!” And before he even tried to stand up, Grania had thrown his body over her shoulder a was carrying him back to her house. He wiped the blood from his eyes and saw Fechin growing smaller. He gave him the thumbs up and mouthed ‘it worked’.  
What a dumbass.  
When they arrived at Grania’s house she laid him in her bed on his back and leaned over him. Even through his blurred vision, Edan could still see that she was stunning. She had freckles scattered across her entire visage, like constellations beautifying an already attractive night sky. Edan followed them as the adorned her fair forhead. Down her nose between her warm chestnut eyes. Across her cheeks which dimpled from her kind smile. Towards her neck which led right to her-  
Edan’s penis immediately overcame his blood loss and became a rock in his trousers. Grania’s boobs, her glorious breasts, her tantalizing tits, her extremely arousing bosom…whatever it was, they hung just inches from his face. His tongue reached desperately trying to explore the vast lands before it, but instead simply licked only air.  
She giggled. “You must have really hit your head hard. But I think the bleeding is stopping. How’d you fall off the roof anyway?”  
“I was…I was…” Edan searched wildly for an answer, but in his injured state could only find the truth. “I was trying to get you to talk to me.” He grimaced in preparation for the laughter, the lecturing, the loss of respect. Instead she sighed.  
“I was afraid of that. It happens in every village I’ve lived in. Boy after boy falls from roof after roof. All because of these.” She squeezed her breasts dramatically, causing Edan’s penis to cock, readying his bullets to fire. “I’ve had to move four times, all because I can’t go for a walk without some slackjaw cracking his skull open.” She paused for a second, still squeezing her breasts. “No offense”. Edan was too busy staring open mouthed at her tits to notice the slight.  
“You need medicine,” she said, finally getting up from her position over him.  
“I should really go to the doctor.”  
“I am the town doctor.”   
“Oh, really?” Edan had never considered that Grania had an occupation outside of walking and boob having. She searched her cabinets, moving numerous jars filled with leaves and flowers from the forest.  
“What you have is called a kun-kun shin. It’s this new thing we doctor’s have discovered happens when you hit your head.”  
“Is it serious?”  
“Oh yes. Very serious. You could become paralyzed. Or stupid. You might even think it’s smart to jump off a roof to talk to a girl.” She leaned far into the cabinet, her butt sticking out as she reached into the corners. Edan wondered if her butt was as magnificent as her breasts. Her dress always hid any hint of an ass. He took the opportunity to squeeze his still erect dick a bit while her back was turned.  
“There are two major cures for the kun-kun shin. Lots of sleep. And-” she turned around suddenly brandishing a single large mason jar. Edan quickly pretended to scratch his thigh. “Leeches.”  
She walked back and sat next to him on the bed. She pulled out on of the dozen leeches in the jar and held it between her fingers. The fat thing curled slightly, reaching its mouth to her palm. Grania shook the leech, straightening it’s body, and placed it on the center of his bare chest. He fixated his gaze on the wall, resolute not to show any anticipation of the bug’s bite. A wince betrayed his face as the leech clamped onto his skin, to which Grania giggled.   
Grania continued to place the leeches one at a time and then instructed him to go to sleep until she woke him up. Edan followed this directive almost instantaneously and lost consciousness with one last look at her prettiness.  
An hour later, he awoke to Grania plucking the leeches from his chest. They were now even more swollen than before. He rubbed his eyes, yawned and smiled at her, which she returned.  
“Can I ask you something Grania?”  
“Sure” she said, now scrubbing the dried blood from his face with a wet cloth.  
“Why do you keep doing those morning walks if you know so many guys have hurt themselves?” She sighed once again, and her heaving breasts temporarily distracted Edan from his own question.  
“I sort of…Well it’s ridiculous but…I kind of…”  
“Yeah?”  
“I sort of like seeing guys in pain. Like it’s just so…” Her shoulders shuddered and a smile twitched across her lips.  
Edan’s mind stopped. The Grania, known for her purity only second to her tits? That Grania gets a thrill from the pain of others. “But you’re a doctor?”  
“That’s why I became a doctor. To see cute boys, with their delicate faces. Bruised, beaten faces as they wince as I stitch them up and…oh but it’s my shame. Why can’t I just like normal things? Like abs? Or long term financial stability?”  
“Well that’s ok. We all have our things. Fechin likes feet. I like your boobs. Mr. and Mrs. Mcgraw like doing it behind their house while their do watches. You like…the sight of mutilation. It’s all the same really.”  
“Your too kind” She hugged him, and Edan relished in the feeling of her two breasts pressing against his chest. The hug lasted for what seemed like minutes. Edan wriggled his body to feel her boobs squish gently against him, making sure to keep a gap between her torso and his elongating dick. Finally, she broke the hug and asked, “Can I slap you a bit?”  
The blunt question reverberated around empty spaces of Edan’s head. Should I let her? She helped me an awful lot today. Plus she’s hot. But I don’t like being slapped, that much I know. Plus what if she tells the guys in the village? I’ll be a certified bitch boy! What if I can get something out of this? Something to tell the boys if they find out that they for sure couldn’t hold this against me.  
“I’ll do it,” he started hesitantly. She quickly raised her hand, a wide grin flashing her white teeth “-But!” he interjected before she could start, “I get to feel your boobs. Bare boobs. With my hands. Bare hands. Everything’s bare”. She lowered her hand, mulling his proposal.   
“I’ll do it.” They further negotiated the details and settled on a final scheme. Edan would get to grope her breast for a full minute as determined by an hourglass Grania owned. After the minute, Grania would get her slap, and then the minute would start over.   
“Ok,” she smiled. “Let’s go.” She lifted her tunic, which pulled her breasts with it. When she finally tugged the tunic over her head, her tits fell with all of their weight, oscillating up and down with the momentum of the fall.  
There they were. The first breasts Edan had ever seen. And they were magnificent. They hung from her chest with a happy buoyancy which caused them to bounce with every breath. Each had a stiff nipple surrounded by a pale pink areola. As big as they seemed beneath her tunic, they seemed even bigger without. The fullness of her-  
SMACK!  
“I didn’t even touch them yet!” Edan complained, rubbing his cheek.  
“A minute’s a minute silly boy.” She giggled again, amused at his indignation.  
“Fine then.” He grabbed them, one in each hand. They were so large that he couldn’t even fit a quarter of one boob in each hand. They felt so warm, so full of life. He squeezed, and his a pulsation of pleasure raced from his lungs through the tip of his rigid penis. The feeling of her breasts, so indescribable, so unlike anything Edan had felt on himself, caused his vision to blur in confusion. Like pushing into a tangible wind. His left index finger circled her nipple as he continued to grope with increasing intensity. The watched them morph like soft clay in his hand and longed to kiss every-  
SMACK!  
But this assault could not deter him. Though his head recoiled from the surprising strength of the full force of her arm, his hands remained firmly planted on the prizes they sought for years. He pushed the each boob together, and admired how they pressed into each other. If only he could thrust his cock between those breasts. Those beautiful, big breasts which he just needed to squeeze somehow harder than he already once. She let out a high pitched noise and Edan thrust his pelvis into nothingness with primal desperation for anything to rub against his-  
SMACK!  
Except after this slap she shoved him onto his back. She brought her mouth to his and they kissed. Her soft lips felt like warm pillows against his. His cock throbbed painfully, still eagerly seeking any form of contact. She finally raised herself from the kiss. “I’m sorry. Your face was just so cute and bloody. And I just had to…here you deserve this.”  
She shimmed up his body so that her breasts hung directly over his face. His breath stopped and he found himself suddenly submerged between her tits. It was amazing. He shook his head, feeling each boob pressed on either side of his face. His licked the left one with his tongue, enjoying how it initially resisted its movements. His dick still painfully pounded against his trousers until finally it happened.  
His face still buried in her chest, she adjust just slightly enough that her upper thigh grazed just above his dick. With that slight stimulation, his waist automatically twisted to press his cock into her leg. Though two layers of wool separated their skin, his penis still danced ecstatically against her as if it were jigging inside of her vagina. The pleasure filled his penis shooting from the base of his shaft to the tip. He clutched each breast tightly and tried to breath though he only managed to gasp haphazardly from between her breasts. Grania moaned and The pleasure continued to surmount. Shivers of intensity rocketed chaotically around his shaft with every thrust. Grania moaned and the pleasure continued to surmount until a final single wave rushed his entire penis, rendering his mind unable to feel anything but joy as semen poured from the tip. It twitched happily until it slowly relaxed in a sticky pool of its own creation.   
He exhaled. It was done.  
At least according to him. Grania, however, continued to thrust her tongue into Edan’s throat. The semen trickled uncomfortably down his taint and stuck his balls to his thighs. Errrrr….how do I tell her I came?  
Suddenly, she tore her lips from his. Edan gasped for air, unsure when he had drawn his last breath. “I think you’ve earned a little bit more.” She smiled and her hand traveled down his stomach. Her hand was already in his pants by the time he realized what she meant. She grasped his genitals, which was now flaccid and gooey. Three distinct phases of emotion came across her face, each which lasted but a fraction of a second, and yet seem to last forever to Edan.  
First, confusion: she had never touched a penis, and to be honest she wasn’t sure she was now. It was so slimy and squishy. Perhaps she had forgotten to remove a leech. Unless…  
Second, realization: …oooooooh, he must have ejaculated and this slime is cum. Wow, there’s a lot of it. Is there always this much? Also it seemed kind of…  
Third, disappointment: …fast. Like, she didn’t even touch it, did she? Did she? No, she didn’t. She would remember. Maybe she was just that hot. I do have killer tits.  
Grania removed her hand from his pants and observed the layer of white goo hanging between her fingers. A heat descended on Edan’s face, which flushed red. The pair stared at the hand for a full minute, not daring to look at each other in the yet. Edan broke the silence. “Sorry, I was really excited.”  
“No, no, it’s fine. That’s what happens when you…well you know.”   
“Well I had fun.”  
“Clearly,” she paused and added, “But I’m happy to, just as long as I can get one more slap in.”  
“Oka-”  
And before Edan could finish his affirmation, he felt the sting of one final slap which left a smear of cum across his face.  
“Thanks.”


	3. Aengus Og

“What is this romantic shit? That won’t get my dick hard!”  
Aegnus Og’s angry interjection halted the couple in the middle of what could only be described as stilted coitus. The pair froze, he on top (and inside) of her. “What’s wrong Mr. Director?” The girl said, her head hanging upside down off of the bed.  
“What’s wrong is all this kissing and touching and grabbing. It’s downright maudlin! Where’s the fucking?!”  
“I’m inside her,” The guy answered, gesturing his increasingly limp penis protruding from her vagina.  
“What you’ve got inside her is a penis. I need a cock! And I need you to ram it into her pussy like you’re trying to hook a set of keys to the car you accidentally locked your baby into..”  
“Why wouldn’t he use his hands to find the keys?” The girl asked.  
“My hand couldn’t fit up there?” he said  
“Yes it could,” she said, a little indignant.  
“I bet you it couldn’t.”  
“How much?”  
“You know that quilt your grandmother knitted?”  
Aengus rolled his eyes and turned from his actors. This is hopeless. She’s alright, but’s he’s a complete dud. His dick is as soft as his disposition. Ha! That was pretty good. Better write that down so I can make fun of him later.  
Ding!   
The elevator opened. Out stepped two stilettos, burdened by a tall, broad Asian woman dressed in a black blazer and knee length skirt. She strutted forward with the confidence of a hung Brazilian man in a speedo. However, her face faltered when her mind caught up with her steps and she saw the contents of the room. A garish gold shag rug. On top of that, an oversized mahogany bedframe. On top of that, a stained and soiled mattress. On top of that, a scarlet velvet bedspread. On top of that, a disappointed man arm deep inside of a smug woman.   
“Sorry, I think I have the wrong room.”  
“Ah, there she is. Mi-sook?”  
“Yes?” He walked towards her arms widespread as if to embrace the air between them. She recoiled slightly and forced the gesture into a handshake when he came within her reach. The young man wore exactly three items, all leather: knee high boots, tight revealing trunks, and a sensible jacket which he left open to expose his lean, fit body. Instead of a crown, three small robins continuously encircled his head, only occasionally stopping to peck the nest they assembled in his mousy chestnut hair.   
“I am Aengus Og, god of Love, Youth, and probably Poetic Inspiration.”  
“Probably”  
“I haven’t quite finished the paperwork. You wouldn’t believe the bureaucracy involved in obtaining deification. There’s signatures from cultists and just a ton of panels.”  
“And the birds?”  
“Oh them? That’s Direach. Cam. And that one’s Cuar. I got them to represent the sexualities of love. Direach’s the straight one. Cam, bless his heart, is gayer than George Michael on fire island. Rubs his little cloaca on any little boy bird within -er- cloaca rubbing distance. Much to Direach’s displeasure,” he added  
“And the third one’s bisexual?” Mi-sook guessed.  
“What!? No, that shit’s made up.. Cam is tugeosexual. He’s only sexually attracted to ideas. Just like Walter Mondale.”  
“I see,” Mi-sook said, though she didn’t.  
“So I’m sure you’re wondering what you’re doing here?”  
“Hopefully not what they’re doing,” She gestured toward the pair still on the bed, now happily trying to get a second hand up her vagina.  
“Oh, of course not! Well unless you want to, I mean I’m always down for whatever.” Mi-sook, grimaced.. “No that would be a waste of your talents. Graduated top of your law school, became ambassador of South Korea to Ireland at just twenty five. Then you unfortunately died tragically in a freak accident before you could really achieve your dreams. That’s why I plucked you before you got to the afterlife to work for me as my chief of staff.”  
“Well, I must admit I am a bit flattered. To be chosen when I’m sure there are so many other qualified people.”  
“Yeah, plus your name.”  
“My name?”  
“Yeah, it’s sort of a sex pun. Mi-sook. Me suck.”   
“What?”  
“Like me suck penises” he added, mistaking her annoyance for confusion  
“I’ll have you know I’ve never stooped that low.” And that was the truth. Mi-sook thought sex was fine. It was pleasurable enough when she had it. But debasing herself to put that rigid worm in her mouth? No thank you. It was bad enough when the cum got on her hand, she couldn’t even imagine how difficult it was to get that taste out of your mouth.  
“Did you hire them because of their names too?”   
“Naw, Cindy’s here because of her flexible work schedule. And Garrett has an 8 incher so that’s always a crowd pleaser, but, well that’s your first piece of business.” He continued in a whispered voice, “Grant hasn’t been performing and I need you to get his replacement.”  
And with that he snapped his fingers and Garrett and all 8 inches of his penis disappeared. Cindy, finding her vagina suddenly devoid of two hands and a tongue, looked around confused. A part of her had loved him, and now the emptiness in her heart was only second to the emptiness in her vagina.  
“Oh my god, did you just kill him?!” Mi-sook shouted.  
“First of all, you don’t have to address me as your god. I mean, I am, but it really upsets the office dynamic. Second, I merely transported him. I’m sure he’s fine.”  
He was not fine. Mi-sook never did find out what happened to Garrett, but you the reader are lucky enough to experience this narrative third person omnisciently. Aengus Og transported Garret to Greenland, year 2254 where he was collected by the Googlork alien race which had recently conquered the great island. He lived for thirteen years as a sex toy for the Googlork elites, for his lengthy penis could adequately reach the wunski in their phooms. He found freedom after Googlork activists successfully petitioned for the rights of all beings, and so all humans were sent back to a time when humans ruled. And that’s how unlucky Garrett ended up frozen in prehistoric Canada, only to be discovered by an Inuit woman who took his penis as a dildo which she passed down for three generations. Thus concludes the story of Garrett. He had a rather sizable member, but an even more sizable heart. Which never found love. Because of the sex slave-early death thing.   
Back to the story.  
“And who is replacing him.”  
“This guy.” He held out his phone and showed here a picture of a young brawny man with a wide, happy smile. “His name is Caolan and he has the most amazing ass.”  
I think I’ve just met one Mi-sook thought.


	4. Sexless Exposition

As the name of this chapter suggests, there will be no sex and a lot of exposition. I have no doubt many readers will now skip to the next chapter which continues the debauchery you have come to expect. In fact, most of you might not make it to this sentence. I could write whatever I want. Moooglgedymooglemoo.  
You may wonder why a story of this nature needs sexless exposition, and how this is supposed to get your rocks off. I may wonder why you’re not just watching porn. There’s some pretty good stuff out there. The internet holds a limitless quantity of orifices for your viewing pleasure. And yet you’re reading your porn. To give you a taste of the visual stimulation, here’s a O to stare at and pretend it’s something to stick your dick in. Now wasn’t that better than reading fifty synonyms for throbbing? I think so.  
But we return to Edan, who entered the clearing for the third time at a prescheduled time between Caolan and he. He’s not here yet, he thought, guess I’ll just wait for him. Edan removed his clothes, except for a pair of underwhere Caolan had given him last time. It’s always nice to show someone that you use their gift no matter how weird. His penis pressed angrily against the surprisingly stretchy cloth.   
He sat against the rock where they had shared their moment last time and listened to the trickling of the water as frogs hopped around the edges. He placed his hand beneath his bottom and squeezed his cheeks, though in his mind they belonged to Coaloan’s perfect butt. Of courses, Edan’s own butt couldn’t imitate the plump delight of his, but the mere thought of it sent his other hand creeping crotchwards.  
“Neiiiiiiiiigh!”  
“Oh, it’s you. I’m already in the clearing, you don’t have to show me,” he said to the pervy red mare. But it just stood there, adeptly posing in the perfect spot for the light to shimmer across it’s mane. “Go away and find Caolan so you can bring him here,” he demanded, waving his hand as if to brush the horse from the air.  
“Why are you talking to a horse?” A pair of tits emerged from the bushes. Grania followed. “And what are you wearing?”   
“Grania? What are you doing here?” He attempted to cover the bulge in his under-where which had grown even more in the presence of Grania’s massive, though sadly clothed, breasts.   
“I follow people sometimes. Keeps me busy.”  
“Most people knit.”  
“Most people don’t talk to horses.”  
“You’re a weird woman Grania,” he said. She lowered herself to his waist to inspect the weird vestment. She pulled on the waistband and delighted in the little ‘ouch’ Edan let out as the material shot back when she let go.  
“What’s this?”  
“It’s just under-where Grania. I got it from a friend.”  
“The horse?”  
“Why would a horse give me clothes?”  
She frowned. “It’s not a very modest garment.”  
“It’s under-where, you wear it under. Gods Grania, you’re so behind the times.”  
“What’s its purpose?”  
“It..er…keeps the genie in the bottle.” He answered, hoping she wouldn’t ask what that means.  
“What does that mean.”  
“Uuuuh…it’s man stuff. You wouldn’t understand.”  
“I’m a doctor.”  
“Can I see your boobs again?”  
“If I can slap you harder this time.” Edan weighed his desire to see her boobs with the surprising fact that she was showing restraint in their previous encounter. But his musings were interrupted when the red mare exploded.  
“HOLY SHIT!” Edan exclaimed while Grania ejaculated some noise between a yelp and a whistle. From the blast emerged six feet of pure woman (and perhaps a few cc’s of silicone). Her body was an even greater bang than the explosion which preceded it. She wore a floor length gown which left nothing to the imagination. Now normally, that expression means that the fit was so tight that it hugs the curves of a woman’s body. However, here it means there were cutouts in the dress completely revealing her breasts, vagina, and derrière. All of this was topped off with the surprising conservative addition of a turtle neck. When Edan finally looked higher than breast level, he noticed that her hair had the same static flame quality as the mare she replaced, which contrasted beautifully with her dark brown skin.   
“Greetings humans. I am Aine, goddess of summer, wealth, and that feeling you get when a friend asks you to borrow money. I have come to- OOOOOPH!” Not many have the balls to punch a goddess square in the jaw, but Grania didn’t need any to accomplish the task.  
“You just killed that horse!” she shouted.  
“Bitch, I was the horse! And it’s actually a mare. And I am a mother fucking goddess.”  
“Well I’m an atheist.”  
“I’m not!” Edan volunteered. Grania seemed on the path to a smiting and he wanted to make sure that was a one-person event.  
“As I was saying,” Aine began again with a final glare at Grania, “I am Aine, goddess of all those things I just said. I am here to talk to Edan.”  
“You want to talk to me? But I’m just some guy.”   
“That’s correct.” Edan was a little disappointed she agreed. “But it’s about Caolan.”  
“Who’s Caolan?” Grania interjected.  
“Edan’s one true love,” she responded with an almost dreamy look.  
“Whoah! That seems a little much. We’re just friends.” He dared a glance at Grania, whose face contained so many expressions they canceled each other out until only confusion was left. “Just friends. I like boobs-I mean girls. You know that. I mean we did that thing…” Grania now gave him a look that said ‘not in front of the goddess’ and he shut up.  
“I must tell you something Edan. Caolan is not from here. In fact he’s not even from this time. He comes from a distant future called the Ninteen Fifties. And he wished out loud that he could find his one true love, a wish I heard and made true. I transported him here to meet you, who is not only emotionally compatible, but you are a perfect match to give him unbridled pleasure.”  
“You’re telling me that Caolan is a time-traveling lonely heart who came to me just so I can lick his willy? Couldn’t someone else do just as good a job.”  
“No, you are ideal for Caolan because of your penis. It is the ideal shape which perfect matches his…inner workings.” His expression told her she would have to make things simpler. “You two are like a lock and key, except the only thing you open is his legs.”  
“I still don’t get it. What does my dick have to do with getting him off?”  
“She’s talking about sex, Edan,” Grania interjected, a little exacerbated at the conversation.  
“That’s silly Grania, guys can’t have sex, the penises would just mush together. Aren’t you a doctor?”  
“The anus, Edan.”  
“The anus?”  
“The anus.”  
“The anus.”  
“The anus?” He asked Aine.  
“The anus.”  
“Hmmm. The anus. I just want to clarify, that is the butthole?”  
“Yes.”  
“Well then. I need to think about this.” He sat down and visibly concentrated on the concept. Anuses. Mostly known for pooping. That’s kind of disgusting. Then again, he had seen his Aunt Yvonne’s live birth and if he could still want pussy after that, then perhaps an anus could suffice. Then he thought about Caolan’s plush bum and came to a conclusion.  
“Anuses,” he agreed, as if the others were waiting for his input into a debate. “So where is he, I’m ready to give this a try,” he said, pulling down his under-where which revealed just how ready he was.  
“That’s what I’ve come here for. Caolan’s been kidnapped!”  
“Kidnapped?” His stomach and penis dropped like a stone in a pond.   
“Yes, by the god Aengus Og. He takes people to use in his direct to DVD pornos and then discards them like direct to DVD pornos. You must save him! It will be very romantic.”  
“First of all, no one said nothing about no romance. I just offered to help a bloke out with this anus thing. Just helping a bro out. You wouldn’t understand because you’re both girls. Second, can’t you save him? You’re a goddess.”  
“Yes, but I’m currently in a tricky relationship with a sun nymph, and to be honest I just don’t have the time. You understand.”  
He didn’t, but it seemed fruitless to say so.   
“In order to save him,” she continued, “you’ll need to salvage the two sacred relics from the Twin Cities so that you may fight the three headed monster that guards the Gate to the Gods.”  
“Gate to the Gods?” Gania said.  
“Three headed monster?” Edan said.  
“Yes, the Gates to the Gods is the only way to get to Aengus Og’s palace,” She answered.  
“And the Twin cities?” Grania said.  
“Three headed monster?” Edan repeated.  
“To find your way to the cities, you must first seek out the great thinkers of Filophalo. They are the greatest philosophers of your day and will surely know how to get you to the Twin Cities”  
“Well I think that’s enough sexless exposition for one chapter.” Grania concluded.  
“Three headed monster?” Edan insisted.  
“No, no more questions. The people are tired of them.” Aine said. She jiggled her tits for no particular reason and then disappeared.


End file.
